Love & Loss (The Austin Series) Read online

  I’m soz bout last nite. I’m worried bout u and findin this Doug sit hard nd got no1 2 talk 2 bout it. Erd u leave nd fnd ur broken pic. Pleas let me no ur ok <3 u xx

  I’m sorry too. I’m just so tired and irritable. I know you were only trying to help. I’m downstairs, just got in from a run. I’ll see you in a minute and we can talk. You can always talk to me Lex, you’re my best friend. <3 you too x

  I took a deep breath and called my voicemail.

  ‘Mia please come back, I miss you so much. You set the alarm off coming up the drive and woke me, but I don’t understand why you ran, you obviously came to talk, what changed your mind? I know I hurt you Sunday, but I can’t bear the thought of you being scared of me. I’m working really hard on getting better, I want to better for you, you deserve that. I’m home all day if you’ll come over, if not please let me know if you’re ok, I’m worried that you’re out on your own at this time. I know I messed up Sunday, big time and I want the chance to apologise, but I couldn’t contact you first. I was so scared of pushing you away if you weren’t ready. You don’t know how happy I was to realise that you’d come over, but then you ran like you couldn’t get away quick enough. I want to make this work Mia and I’ll wait as long as it takes, but please just let me know you’re ok. God please baby, this is killing me. I love you Mia’

  I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, how the hell could my body produce any more? He sounded so upset, but at the same time it was so good to hear his voice. I replied by text, not ready to talk to him yet.

  I’m sorry I ran, I still love you and miss you so much too, but I’m still very upset with you. I’m also scared that I’ll make you worse by seeing you and us fighting again. I’m not sure that I’m good for you Gabe. I seem to make you mad, tense and stressed all the time and I don’t want that. You deserve to be happy. M

  I don’t want to fight again either Mia. It’s not your fault that I’m this way, please don’t ever blame yourself. You ARE good for me, not having you in my life is far worse. These last few days have been hell. Besides, it’s me that keeps fucking up. I seem to make you unhappy and cry all the time and that kills me Mia. That’s why I’ve not chased you this time, I’m scared that it’s me that’s not good for you. I’m wondering if I should let you go, to let you be with someone who can make you happy and give you what you need, what you deserve G

  Gabe I can’t do this by text, I don’t want to do this by text. Please just give me some time, I need longer to sort my head out.

  I ran up the stairs and went all dizzy again and held onto the bannister as I listened to the builders in number six shouting and banging with the radio on full blast. We were supposed to be moving in together in less than four weeks and we couldn’t even talk to each other, both of us thinking we were no good for the other. I sighed and headed into the kitchen to find Doug in his sweats making a coffee.

  ‘Hi Mia, early run huh?’

  ‘Yes and I’m soaked and freezing.’

  ‘Why don’t you go and get in the shower and I’ll make you a hot coffee. I know Lexi wants to spend some time with you, so I’ll have this and leave you both in peace.’

  ‘Thanks Doug.’

  ‘How are you doing?’

  ‘A bit better, I went to see him this morning but bottled it. We’ve had a few texts, which is a start, but I just need more time you know?’

  ‘He’ll just be happy that you’ve been in contact Mia. Right I’ll put your coffee in your room. I tidied up the glass that was on the floor, but be careful if you’re going barefoot.’

  I blushed, embarrassed that he knew I’d had a childish temper tantrum, so I beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom. I quickly stripped off and stood under the hot water to warm up before getting dressed in my slouch clothes until I needed to get ready for class. I hopped up onto my bed and took a sip of the coffee that Doug had put on the bedside table. The picture of Gabe and I was propped up against my iPhone dock, he’d obviously thrown the frame away, along with the glass.

  ‘Mia, you decent?’

  ‘Yes Lex,’ I called and smiled as she came into my room and sat on the bed with me.

  ‘I’m sorry for getting mad last night, I’m just worried about you. You’re crying non-stop, you’re not eating and you obviously miss him.’

  ‘I’m sorry too, I’m just so on edge at the moment. I do miss him and I’m exhausted, but I don’t understand why you think you have no one to talk to about your issues with Doug. Your text hurt me. I’m always here for you, no matter what.’

  ‘I know that,’ she sighed, ‘but you’ve got enough on your plate without worrying about me, don’t you?’

  ‘Lex, please don’t ever think that, besides listening to your problems takes my mind of this whole fucked up situation with Gabe.’

  ‘You really mean it?’ she asked. I nodded and squeezed her hand.

  ‘Of course I mean it, so start talking.’

  ‘No, first you’re going to have something to eat, you look like you’re about to pass out. Then we’ll go and cozy up in the lounge and we can talk.’

  ‘Fine,’ I sighed. She was right, I really wasn’t feeling well, but now Gabe and I were in some form of contact, I was feeling slightly better about the whole situation. I actually even felt like I could manage something to eat.

  ‘Glad you said that as Doug will be back in a second to drop off some sausage and egg McMuffins and shakes before he heads to Uni. Was hoping that may tempt you,’ she smiled.

  ‘You sneaky mare Clarke,’ I uttered. ‘But God yes, they’d be so good. Ok let me get my books sorted and lay out my clothes for tonight, take it we are going straight from English?’

  ‘Yes, I’ll go and get sorted as well.’

  I put out my expensive hot pink and black underwear set that I’d not yet worn, I needed to feel good about myself. I set aside my black skinny jeans, grey cashmere jumper and my silver jewellery and did some grey and black eye makeup. I heard Lexi answering the intercom and headed into the lounge to sort out my bag and books, it was still only twenty to nine and we didn’t need to get the bus until after twelve. I tucked my legs up on the recliner as Lexi came in with a tray and some bags.

  ‘Doug not joining us?’ I asked surprised.

  ‘No, you’ve totally forgotten Gabe’s schedule of lectures haven’t you? Sports Science at 10 a.m. so he’s headed in.’ She rummaged in the bags and handed me my McMuffin, hash brown and a shake.

  ‘Cheers, I’ll text Doug to say thanks. Is he coming out tonight?’

  ‘No he’s staying in with Gabe, they’re having an Xbox marathon with Robert.’

  ‘O right,’ I unwrapped my sandwich and had a bite, at least I could actually taste it and it wasn’t half bad. ‘Well I went to Gabe’s and he saw me running away from his front door and left a message asking me to come back. He said that he wanted to talk, that he missed me and he knew he’d fucked up.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘I replied to tell him that I need more time,’ I mumbled through a mouthful of food.

  ‘I don’t want to argue again Mia, but what good’s more time going to do you? The longer you leave it the harder it’s going to be. How will you get past it if you can’t let out your anger with the one person who made you feel like that?’

  ‘I don’t know Lex, but I can’t see him when I’m angry, not knowing he’s suffering from stress and heightened emotions. It will make him worse.’

  ‘Let him be the judge of what he can handle.’

  ‘Trouble is he never handles any disagreement well Lex. He flares up faster than a … a …’

  ‘A flare?’

  ‘Wow talk about going for the obvious choice of word,’ I laughed.

  ‘Well you fanny around with your posh words and phrases, sometimes you just need to tell it how it is.’

  ‘Ok, but the point is he needs to get all of this out of his system before I talk to him.’

  ‘So what? You’re going to wait until Dr Jarvis says he’s cu
red in another five, ten or twenty years’ time and then you’ll get back together?’

  ‘You make it sound so easy Lexi, and like I’m the one in the wrong.’

  ‘I know it’s not easy Mia, I mean I’m certainly no relationship expert, but you’re both bloody miserable without each other. Besides, you know what winds him up and you’ve just gone and done it again this morning. You went out running in the dark, on your own, then knocked his door and ran off. Didn’t you think how that would affect him? Don’t glare at me like that, I don’t want to argue, I’m just telling you how I see it. I’ve said my piece so come on, let rip at me now.’

  ‘I don’t want to let rip Lexi, I just want to take my mind off it all. What can I do to help you?’

  ‘Well we tried sex again last night and I faked it again, twice, and I think you may be right.’

  ‘About what? Telling him?’

  ‘No,’ she exclaimed looking at me mortified. ‘Have I taught you nothing about the rules of sex? You never tell a guy you faked it, it’s like the kiss of death for him ever having an erection again.’

  ‘Well you don’t want that, you can’t get Douged if he’s turned into a Mr Softie,’ I winked.

  ‘Quite,’ she nodded with a slight smile.

  ‘So what am I right about?’

  ‘I think you’re right, that I’m holding back.’

  ‘Why Lex?’

  ‘I really like the guy, what if I have seriously amazing sex with him and want more?’ She looked at me really confused.

  ‘That’s the whole point of a relationship, wanting more. If you get on great and the sex turns out to be amazing then that’s as good as it gets, you’ve hit the relationship jackpot. Why wouldn’t you want more?’

  ‘I’m not sure I’m ready for a relationship like that Mia.’

  ‘So what, you’re going to carry on as you are? Faking it to stop you getting closer to him?’

  ‘No, I think I need to end it,’ she sighed.

  ‘O Lex really? You get on so well, what if you walk away and he finds someone else and you change your mind? You said the same to me about Gabe.’

  ‘I know but I’m just not ready for all this serious shit.’

  ‘What are you scared of?’ I asked, batting back the same question she’d posed to me.

  ‘That he’ll abandon me when I’ve let him in, just like my parents have.’

  ‘Lex, your mum’s an alcoholic and we may never know why, but your dad left because of her, not because of you.’

  ‘What’s the diff? He still left me behind.’

  ‘The difference is that it was nothing you did, it had nothing to do with who you are as a person Lex. I know only too well that it’s not easy to start trying to accept that, but Gabe has made me start to feel like maybe I am worth someone’s time and attention. That’s only happened because I took that seriously scary step and let him in. Doug could do that for you, but you have to take your own step and meet him halfway.’

  ‘What if he’s not as into me as all that? I mean guys only go for me for the sex.’

  ‘Lexi please don’t put yourself down. Until Doug you let guys know that all you were interested in was sex, so that’s the sort of guy you attracted, ones that only wanted a one night stand too. By having a relationship with Doug you’ve made it clear that it’s not just all about sex and he’s right there with you.’

  ‘You think?’

  ‘From what I understand he used to go out on the pull with Gabe all the time. He’s a good looking guy, if sex was the only thing he was after he could go and get laid any night of the week. You told me the exact same thing when I was having doubts about Gabe. Doug’s still with you and look how good he’s been with me since Sunday, visiting me and texting me. He has such a big heart Lex.’

  ‘I know, I’m just not sure I do.’

  ‘I’ll come and bitch slap you in a minute Clarke, Women’s Wrestling League style. Look how amazing you’ve been with me over all this and ever since we met. You do have a heart Lex, you’re just cautious who you give it to, just like I am.’

  ‘We should be lesbian life partners,’ she sighed. ‘We get on great, trust each other and know we’re for life.’

  ‘Yeah, but I’d miss the sex.’

  ‘Hey if I decided to be a lesbian I’d be the best damn lesbian out there,’ she said firmly.

  ‘Ewwww stop, you’d seriously go down on a woman?’

  ‘A choice of no sex, or lesbian sex sure. It would be like a cat licking its arse.’

  ‘What?’ I laughed.

  ‘Well they probably don’t like doing it, I bet it doesn’t taste good, but they do it anyway out of necessity. I’d be that arse licking cat, I’d chow down out of necessity.’

  ‘You’re so grossing me out right now.’

  ‘You’re saying you don’t think I’ve got it in me?’

  ‘I don’t think you’re flexible enough to lick your own arse,’ I grinned.

  ‘I meant giving you oral not that.’

  ‘You know I’m now traumatised for life by this visual? It’s so wrong.’

  ‘Not like I’d go there,’ she huffed. ‘Just saying if I did you’d be screaming for more. You don’t think you’d be a good lesbian for me?’

  ‘I don’t think I’d be a good lesbian for anyone Lex, muff just doesn’t appeal to me. If it was just you and me left in the world and I was that desperate, I’d get myself off instead.’

  ‘Charming, you’re saying my pussy’s not good enough for you?’

  ‘Stop diverting from a serious conversation with seriously disturbing girl on girl talk. You always do that to shock me into forgetting what we were talking about.’

  ‘I’ve talked enough about it for one day thanks. All this relationship shit and talking about it is all new to me. I’ll digest what we’ve discussed today and we can talk more tomorrow ok?’

  ‘Lex, just think carefully about this. Please don’t make a rash decision and if you’re going to end it, do it nicely. He deserves that, he’s really sweet and we’re still going to be seeing him if Gabe and I work things out.’

  ‘If Gabe and you work things out?’

  ‘It’s not a foregone conclusion. I’d love to work it out with him, but it’s so complicated. I don’t know how long he needs to recover or if I’ll make him worse.’

  ‘You didn’t see him on Monday Mia, I don’t think he could get any worse.’

  ‘Thanks, that’s not exactly making me feel better about all of this. Besides we were talking about you and Doug, not me and Gabe.’

  ‘Don’t you wonder if it would have been easier if we’d just stayed as we were? Me fucking around and you staying single?’ she asked with a heavy sigh.

  ‘I don’t know Lex. When it’s good with Gabe, it’s really amazing, I can’t imagine ever being more happy, but when it’s bad …’ I shook my head and sighed. ‘I’ve never experienced feeling so awful before either, so I guess you just have to weigh up if the good times outweigh the bad. Isn’t that better than plodding along feeling nothing for anyone?’

  ‘I don’t know, I was doing ok,’ she shrugged. ‘At least I was having penetrative orgasms.’

  ‘You can have those with a vibrator Lex, but that doesn’t give you someone to have fun with, or share things with, or to hug you when you’re down.’

  ‘I have you for that,’ she smiled.

  ‘Well yes that’s true and we are going to do some of the fun tonight. I plan on getting wasted to take my mind off all this crap.’

  ‘Dressing up?’

  ‘No, jeans and a jumper. We’re only hitting the student bar and playing pool so I don’t want to waste valuable drinking time coming home to get changed. Right come on, I need to start on that assignment for English if I don’t want another pep talk from Jenkins. Just remember that you can always talk to me Lex, no matter what’s going on with me.’

  ‘Thanks.’ She gave me a grateful smile and I got up and cleared up the bags and wrappers and we settled
into some study for a couple of hours until it was time to go. I went and changed and put on my new Emu boots and coat and Lexi appeared in her ripped jeans, white t-shirt, biker boots and jacket.

  ‘Loving the coat and boots,’ she exclaimed.

  ‘Thanks, Gabe spent way too much on me in the Emu store.’

  ‘Lucky cow.’

  ‘I’d rather have no gifts and just have an easy time with him. Do you think all relationships are as difficult as ours are? Or is it just us? Are we the problem?’

  ‘Who knows, but I reckon a skin full of cheap beer will make us both feel a lot better about everything and at least you’ll be toasty warm.’

  ‘I will,’ I smiled as I belted my coat and was hit with a visual of wearing it out the back of the club in Edinburgh as Gabe was furiously fucking me up against the wall. God I missed him so much, sex too.

  ‘I didn’t know Emu’s were woolly,’ Lex frowned as she ran her hand over my coat.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Well how many parts do they have? You have a woolly coat and suede boots. I thought Emu’s had feathers.’

  ‘What are you going on about?’

  ‘I don’t get how you can make all these different textures out of an Emu.’

  ‘Please tell me you’re joking?’ I giggled.

  ‘What’s so funny?’

  ‘They don’t make all the stuff they sell out of Emu’s Lexi, it’s just a name for the brand of clothing and accessories.’

  ‘It is?’ She looked at me surprised.

  ‘Yes,’ I nodded as I wiped a tear of laughter from my eye. ‘Please tell me that you haven’t tried to find out what type of creature an Ugg is?’

  ‘Don’t be so stupid,’ she muttered as her cheeks went bright pink. I screeched with laughter and had to hold onto the hall table. ‘O Lex, I do love you, you’re so funny.’

  ‘O sod off you,’ she chuckled. We headed down to the bus and I sat staring out of the window wondering what Gabe was doing and if he was ok.