Love & Loss (The Austin Series) Read online

  Love & Loss

  By C.J. Fallowfield

  Kindle Edition

  Copyright © 2014 C.J. Fallowfield

  All Rights Reserved Worldwide

  Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations and places or events, are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Image Copyright © 2014

  Cover Design by Kellie Dennis at Book Cover by Design

  http://www.bookcoverbydesign.co.uk

  Foreword

  Thank you so much for buying Love & Loss, the fifth, and penultimate, book in

  The Austin Series.

  The series is designed to be read in the following sequence.

  New Leaves, No Strings

  Baggage & Buttons

  Forever & an Engine

  The Honeymoon Period

  Love & Loss

  Infinite Love

  In addition, there is a prequel to The Austin Series called Destined, written from Gabe Austin's point of view, available now.

  Find out more about the series and the release date of Infinite Love on my social media sites:

  http://www.cjfallowfield.co.uk

  https://www.facebook.com/cjfallowfield

  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7807992.C_J_Fallowfield

  https://www.twitter.com/CJFallowfield

  Table of Contents

  Broken

  Aftermath

  Trying to Forget

  Forgiveness

  Deal Breakers

  Parental Approval

  The Ex Factor

  Richard Kensington

  Movie Tuesday

  Taking Off

  Sofia

  The Question

  Neveda 6

  Money, Money, Money

  Monday

  Christmas Eve

  Christmas

  Boxing Day

  Endings

  New Beginnings

  New Year’s Eve

  More Endings

  Crisis

  Valentines Night

  Easter

  July

  Enlightenment

  Anniversaries

  Halloween

  Realisations

  Acknowledgements

  Broken

  I’d been huddled up against the cold of the brick wall of the car park, feeling it pressing into my flesh as I tried to make myself move as far away from whatever was happening in front of me. The last I’d remembered seeing was a fist flying towards Gabe’s jaw and for a few seconds I’d keep my eyes tightly shut feeling terrified, then something inside me had snapped, someone was hurting Gabe. My body switched off from flight mode and automatically kicked into fight mode, ready to help protect him from whoever it was trying to hurt him. I clenched my fists in anticipation and opened my eyes and gasped in shock when I saw who his attacker was, and just froze to the spot.

  ‘Mia … Mia … MIA,’ came the voice. I took a moment to take in the sight in front of me. Gabe was lying face down on the floor motionless and Doug was on top of him, holding him in some sort of vice like martial arts grip.

  ‘Doug?’ I uttered, confused.

  ‘Are you ok Mia? Did he hurt you?’

  ‘Only my arms where he … he gripped me too … tightly,’ I stuttered, still in shock, while relief flooded my body to realise that Gabe was ok, my fears that someone was trying to hurt him had been unfounded. It seemed that Doug had simply stepped in to protect me and to stop his best friend from doing any more damage.

  ‘You’re sure?’ he asked and I nodded as I folded my arms across my chest, my hands still shaking. ‘Mia is Lexi upstairs?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Ok, then I want you to go up and deadbolt yourself in with her just in case ok? I think it’s best I take him back to his to cool down, but in case he gets away from me, I don’t want to risk him doing something stupid if he comes back here to try and see you. Promise me if he comes you’ll ring the police and not let him in?’

  ‘Doug you’re bleeding,’ I exclaimed as I realised he had a split lip.

  ‘I’ll be fine Mia. Trust me, the two of us have had worse tussles than this over the years, please I want you to go and do as I ask. I’ll be fine and I’ll look after him for you. I’ll call later if I can ok?’

  ‘I just don’t know what’s wrong with him Doug.’ I could feel my bottom lip wobbling as tears threatened to come.

  ‘Me neither but it ends now. I’m just so sorry I didn’t step in before, I knew he was off his game, but this ….’ Doug shook his head and let out a heavy sigh. ‘Please Mia, I need you to go, he’s still a bit stunned from a second punch to the jaw, but I don’t want to risk you being in the way if he snaps out of it still furious, he’d never forgive himself if he hurt you.’

  ‘Promise me you’ll be careful Doug?’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I sobbed, as the enormity of what was going on hit me. I’d tried to push my fears of Gabe’s changing behaviour to the back of my mind, but I couldn’t anymore. Even his best friend knew he was broken somewhere deep inside.

  ‘O shit you’re crying. I’m crap with emosh babes. Go and see your best friend and let me sort out mine ok?’

  ‘Is he badly hurt?’

  ‘He’ll be fine, I’ve seen him more banged up than this. Please Mia, I need you to go.’

  ‘Ok,’ I nodded and gave him a grateful smile as I wiped my face again. I gingerly stepped around them, then hesitated and crouched by Gabe’s head. I kissed my fingers and pressed them to his lips and heard him moan my name as his eyelids flickered. ‘Don’t worry, I still love you Gabe,’ I whispered as I gently ran my fingers through his hair. I quickly stood and kissed Doug on the top of his head and ran as fast as I could to the front entrance. Somehow I made it up the stairs and dead bolted the front door, just as Doug had asked.

  I leaned back on it, dropped my bag to the wooden floor with a clatter and slid down into a puddle on the hall floor and let out a howl of frustration as my whole body started shaking. Lexi came running out of the lounge and sank to the floor next to me, pulling me into her arms, holding me as I completely let go and went to pieces on her.

  What had just happened? That wasn’t my doting caring Gabe. I was scared, so scared from what had just happened, scared of what might happen to Doug if Gabe lost it again, scared that Gabe and I might actually be over, but most of all I was scared that my man was actually so broken that no one would be able to fix him, not even me. I also never wanted to feel that vulnerable again, I decided I was definitely taking up those self-defence classes that he’d been hammering on about for weeks.

  ‘Sssshhhh, it will be ok,’ whispered Lexi as she held me tightly. I shook my head, not convinced it would be, but I appreciated her sentiment. ‘Come on, let’s get you into bed and I’ll go and make you a hot chocolate and you can tell me what’s going on ok?’

  ‘Yes,’ I mumbled between two unlady like sniffs. She helped me up and rummaged out my pyjama’s as I blew my nose and cleaned off my makeup. I went to the bathroom to change and winced as I looked at my bare arms, there were rings of bright red around my biceps, which were already starting to bruise. I took a couple of painkillers, not just for my arms, but for the serious headache I had coming on. I went and gr
abbed my phone and saw a text from Doug.

  I’ve got him home, he’s in shock and really upset. He can’t believe what he’s done, so you’ve no worries about him turning up tonight, he’s too ashamed. I rang Robert and he’s flying home tonight. Hope you are doing better? Just get some rest and I’ll update you in the morning babe x

  Thanks Doug, please be careful I don’t want you getting hurt. Promise you’ll call someone to help if he kicks off again? I’m upset, but Lex is here and I’ll be ok. I’m just so worried about him. Tell him I’m ok, please x

  By the time I was dressed and propped up in bed she was back, with two mugs of hot chocolate and some chocolate biscuits to dunk and I smiled at her.

  ‘What the hell just happened?’ she asked as she climbed into bed next to me. I filled her in and she listened patiently and winced at some of the things we’d said to each other, but she didn’t interrupt until I told her I’d had to use my safe word to get him to release me. ‘You have a bloody safe word? Just how rough does he normally get?’

  ‘God not like that Lexi, it’s if we’re having sex and I can’t take any more multiple orgasms, or if he’s restrained me, by choice,’ I added quickly as I saw her mouth open. ‘It’s just a way of letting him know I can’t take anymore and he stops immediately. It’s all I could think of to stop him holding me so tightly.’

  ‘How tightly are we talking if you had to safe word on him?’

  ‘Tightly,’ I sighed.

  ‘Let me see,’ she demanded.

  ‘Lex, what good will it do? It’s done, I’m positive that he didn’t do it intentionally, he just lost it thinking I was leaving him and didn’t know his own strength. He let go of me as soon as I said those words and he looked really upset when he realised what he’d done. I don’t want you to look and think the worst of him.’

  ‘Ok, but if he ever does something like that again, I’ll be having words, that’s how physical abuse starts Mia. They’re always apologetic after, trust me, I’ve heard my mother say “I’m sorry” countless times after a drunken rage that she couldn’t even remember in the morning.’

  ‘Lex I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up bad associations.’

  ‘It is what it is, just don’t let yourself get caught up in something like that Mia. I agree that Gabe mustn’t be thinking clearly, he’s too adoring and protective of you to want to hurt you deliberately, but that doesn’t excuse his behaviour lately. So why are you here alone and all upset? Did you not sort it out?’

  ‘No, no we didn’t. He was so upset that he’d hurt me Lex that he told me we were over, that he couldn’t be with me and risk hurting me again.’

  ‘He finished with you?’ she gasped.

  ‘I think so,’ I nodded and the tears started again. I wiped my eyes on my sleeve with my one arm as she squeezed my hand tightly.

  ‘He can’t have Mia, no way, not Gabe, not you and Gabe.’

  ‘He told me he’d rather break up than risk hurting me again Lex, so he told me it was over and asked me to walk away … when I refused and asked him to come inside to calm down and talk well … he went mad and punched the glass out of the passenger window of his car.’

  ‘O shit,’ she sighed.

  ‘That’s not the worst.’

  ‘It gets worse? Seriously? You’ve had more drama than that Dallas remake in the last twenty four hours.’

  ‘Try the last nine weeks Lex.’ I sighed with a half-hearted attempt at a smile. ‘I was trapped between two cars with the car park wall behind, Gabe in front of me and Doug appeared from nowhere and nearly knocked him out with a serious uppercut to the jaw.’

  ‘Doug?’ she gasped and looked at me shocked.

  ‘He’s ok, he has a split lip, but he was ok when I left him and he just text me to say they were back at Gabe’s and not to worry.’

  ‘O crap, this is so screwed up Mia. They had a fight?’

  ‘I didn’t see it happening. I shut my eyes as I was terrified when I realised someone was about to attack, so I didn’t know it was Doug. Then I got mad and went to step in to help Gabe and realised it was Doug trying to help me. He had Gabe on the floor in some kind of … hold to stop him moving and he told me to get up here to you and deadbolt us in just in case. Robert’s flying back and Doug says Gabe’s too upset and ashamed to even think about coming over.’

  ‘I bet he is. Thank God I text Doug or Christ knows what would have happened.’

  ‘You text him? You were worried about something like this happening?’

  ‘No, I just text him to say if he wanted a booty call we were home early as Gabe had crashed our night. He was furious with him and said he was coming over to drag him out for a drink to try and talk some sense into him and find out what was going on.’

  ‘I don’t even think Gabe knows what’s going on, he was so confused Lex, I could see it all over his face. It was like everything was just too much for him to handle, like he was having a breakdown or something, I just … I don’t know …’ I shook my head, bit my lip and started crying again.

  ‘Come on, crying and going over this again and again isn’t going to help. He’s in good hands now and Robert’s going to come back and I get the feeling he won’t pussy foot around in getting him sorted. Let’s get you a sleeping tablet as your brain’s not going to switch off without.’ She kissed my forehead and I nodded.

  ‘Will you stay with me,’ I asked as she returned with some water and my tablet.

  ‘You thought I was going to leave you?’

  ‘Well you were expecting a booty call and got dumped with me, crying, again. I thought you might want to go to bed with Orgie or your rabbit.’

  ‘I’m insulted that you think I’d prefer an orgasm over looking after my best friend when she needs me.’

  ‘I seem to need you all the time since I started seeing Gabe.’

  ‘If relationships were easy we’d all be in one and there’d be no divorce. You’ll be there for me if I need you, that’s what we do bestie.’

  ‘You are, the absolute best, I love you more than I even love my own sister Lex.’

  ‘Yeah whatever,’ she shrugged as she went pink. ‘Lie down and shut up or you’ll look like shit in the morning, you’re crying again.’

  Aftermath

  It was Wednesday, three days since that horrible moment in the car park. The worst three days of my life without my Gabe. I’d cried until I was so dehydrated that Lexi joked that I’d look like one of those dried up Egyptian mummies in the Cairo Museum if I shed any more tears. She’d also told me that my puffy eyes had me looking scarier than Voldemort out of the Harry Potter movies. I’d got her back by cracking a tea towel against her backside making her scream, she’d never worked out how to do it back to me, which always made me giggle. Lexi, ever the perfect best friend, had done her best to give me some lighter moments in the black pit of despair I felt I was trapped in.

  I’d had a visit from Doug on the Monday night after all the drama. He and Lexi swapped places, Doug visiting me, while Lexi went to see Gabe, who was being “baby sat” by his Dad. Robert had flown back from New York as soon as Doug had told him what had happened. Doug had made me feel worse by letting slip that Gabe had seen Dr Jarvis on Monday and had been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, only a mild case, but PTSD none the less. At least it explained his unusually heightened stress and jealousy responses and the completely over the top paranoia over my friendship with Milo.

  Both Doug and Lexi had told me how awful Gabe was feeling about how he’d treated me, that he was so ashamed he didn’t dare contact me, thinking he might push me away if he tried to reconnect too soon. I couldn’t contact him either. I felt like I was the catalyst for all his outbursts and stress. Doug had said he’d never acted crazily over a girl before me. What if I was to blame? What if me being with him was making him worse? I loved him so much that if being with him was hurting him, I was prepared to let him go, even it meant prolonging this agony. I made sure that no one saw the
angry purple bruises that circled my biceps. I didn’t want anyone picturing those when they looked at Gabe, I didn’t want him judged based on one loss of concentration in the heat of a moment.

  Robert had been to visit me too, full of concern that Gabe’s aggression wasn’t an isolated incident. He’d been so relieved when I’d reassured him that it was and that Gabe wasn’t abusive by nature. I’d told him some of the lovely romantic things that Gabe had done for me, so that he’d have pleasant images of his son in his head. He’d made me cry telling me how depressed Gabe was without me, I felt the same, but Robert also told me he’d understand if I couldn’t forgive Gabe and take him back, as he knew that his son had crossed an unacceptable line. Robert was so sweet with me, just like Gerry would have been, and he’d treated me so much kinder than even my own father would have done.

  I looked up at the white three storey town house where Dr Jarvis was based and wondered if this was really going to be any better than the counselling I’d done for seven weeks. I was surprised to find that he was much older than I’d imagined him to be, he had green eyes with brown flecks, vari-focal glasses and grey receding hair, and a kind face. He shook my hand and ushered me into his room, which had dark wood panelling around the bottom half of the walls and was painted white above, with a whole wall of bookcases, completely filled. I took a seat in a comfortable worn armchair and bit my lip as I watched him take a seat opposite me with his pad and pen.

  ‘There’s no need to look so nervous Mia, I don’t bite,’ he smiled.

  ‘Sorry it’s just I’m a bit on edge and tired today.’

  ‘Why’s that?’

  ‘Gabe’s probably already told you that we had a big fight on Sunday.’

  ‘Mia, whilst I’m aware that you have both disclosed to each other that you are seeing me, my sessions with you are about you, not him. Even if he were to relate any incident that happened with you, your perception of it and reaction to it will be totally different to his. We’re here to discuss your worries and fears not his. Anything discussed in his session will not impact on yours, nor vice versa, and no confidences will broken. So we can start where ever you would like to, if you’re distressed over a fight the two of you had tell me about it.’